My mother's neighbor has stopped feeding the stray cat

April 23, 2024 12:25 PM

I'm looking for some advice on what to do in this sad situation.

My mother's neighbor began feeding a stray cat last August. She put an outdoor kennel for it to sleep in outside. I mentioned to her neighbor that there are groups that can come and trap the cat. She didn't want to know. Around two months ago the neighbor mentioned that feeding the cat was costing her a fortune (She has plenty of money). I mentioned again about getting a group to come and trap it. She refused again. She now says she has stopped feeding it and hopes it will go elsewhere. The cat has been hanging around my mother's and trying to get the scraps off the bird table. I don't know whether to go over her head and get someone to come and trap it so it can be rescued/reunited but my mother says it is none of my business and I should keep out of it as I don't live there.

posted by charlen to Pets & Animals (26 answers total)

You could offer to split the cost of the food with the neighbor or even pay for the food yourself.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:28 PM on April 23 [2 favorites]

It's a stray cat and the neighbor seems to relinquished all claims and responsibility to/for it so I think you're free to do what you want and are capable of doing.

Are you willing and able to make arrangements for this cat? How often are you at your mother's? Can you be more on call available to deal with cat until this is resolved?

If so, I would contact some local rescues to see what they say and follow their advice.
posted by brookeb at 12:35 PM on April 23 [27 favorites]

Call a rescue.
posted by greta simone at 12:36 PM on April 23 [19 favorites]

If you know there's a local group who will come and rescue the cat, why not call them and not give your name? You can explain that you need to remain anonymous or give a fake name. Neither the neighbor nor your mom ever have to know it was you.
posted by mygothlaundry at 12:36 PM on April 23 [10 favorites]

Most groups that will trap a stay cat do TNR - trap, neuter, release. That means that they only trap for the purpose of neutering it so it won't make more kittens and then they return it to where it was found.

If it is truly a stay cat that use to have a family and a home then it might be able to be adopted. But it is feral - used to making its own way in the world as outdoor wild animal, then it is not a good candidate to be adopted.

You might want to go ahead and call your local rescue and see what they suggest - they will know the local options. Given that your neighbor is hoping it will find a new home, I think you free to do what you can to help make that happen - the biggest question is whether there is any realistic possibility of getting this cat rehoused.
posted by metahawk at 12:38 PM on April 23 [7 favorites]

It's a stray cat that no one is looking after. It is as much your responsibility as anyone's.

It's possible the cat is chipped, which would take a couple seconds with a scanner to determine. If so, there's a good chance of reuniting it with its people. If not, chances are poor.
posted by adamrice at 12:52 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]

Does your mother live somewhere that the public can't easily access, like a gated community? That could complicate matters for a rescue.
posted by orrnyereg at 12:57 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]

The thing about animals like that is if you start feeding one you have then entered a contract*. That first dish of food is you saying, "I am willing to take responsibility for your feeding," and this is how a cat/dog sees it. So to just stop seems unreasonably cruel to me.

I agree, go over her head, talk to a rescue, see if you can find a way to get the cat either rehomed or at least have them TNR and release elsewhere if it is feral. That cat is going for scraps because it doesn't understand why the food stopped. She is in breach of contract here.

*I AM NOT A CAT OR A LAWYER OR A CAT LAWYER*
posted by routergirl at 1:10 PM on April 23 [34 favorites]

Ownership of pets is a bit of a murky thing, legally, but I think you'd be pretty safe to say that a person who has stopped feeding and outwardly said they want the cat to go away has relinquished any sort of tenuous ownership claim they may have had.

Which makes the cat a stray and you/your mom would fully be within their rights to work with a rescue group to TNR or trap and potentially home the cat if it's friendly. As long as you don't go on the other person's property to do so, you'd be in the clear.
posted by misskaz at 1:12 PM on April 23 [5 favorites]

Also, if it helps when talking to your mom: the life of a feral/stray is rough, and being intact makes it worse as it increases the risk of fights, increases roaming and chances of getting hit by a car, and if it's a female cat, pregnancy can be really rough on them -- to say nothing of what happens when there's then a litter of cats, also not managed or fed or neutered. It may help to ask your mom to let you do this one small thing to prevent a whole lot of kitty suffering.
posted by misskaz at 1:16 PM on April 23 [2 favorites]

My local rescue sometimes places feral & semi feral cats in workplaces like barns etc, if they’re reasonably sociable but can’t be actually homed in a house. Worth looking into
posted by toodleydoodley at 2:06 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]

The lady literally doesn't want the cat any more. I think it's fair game to rescue the cat.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:23 PM on April 23 [3 favorites]

Many of the people answering this question seem to have missed the part where the OP said that her mother told her to butt out, she doesn't live there, and it's none of her business. The question isn't just about whether a rescue is appropriate, or TNR, or whatever, but about dealing with mom.
posted by Winnie the Proust at 3:33 PM on April 23 [3 favorites]

Don't involve the mom. This is her neighbor and she has a right to enjoy the peace and quiet.
Call a rescue group and don't give your name. If nothing else, a TNR will keep stray kittens out of the picture.
posted by TrishaU at 5:36 PM on April 23 [4 favorites]

I don't see any reason why Mom should be involved. Neither she nor the neighbor want the cat there anyway. You're doing people a favor to get the kitty to safety/saiety.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:45 PM on April 23 [1 favorite]

Yes of course you should intervene. That poor cat is starving.
posted by amtho at 10:15 PM on April 23 [3 favorites]

This is an easy one. The neighbor and your mother both have no interest in taking care of the cat, so you can take both of them out of the equation. Bye bye, ladies. That leaves you and the cat, and it's up to you if you want to take on the responsibility or if you want to call in reinforcements.
posted by emelenjr at 7:46 AM on April 24 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks so much for all of these responses. Getting it trapped and into rescue is not as easy as I thought. Most of those I have contacted cannot help or have not replied. The only one that has replied has a six-month waiting list. I will have to think of another plan.
posted by charlen at 9:20 AM on April 24

- Get the cat on the waiting list

- Talk to the neighbor and your Mom. Give cat food to whoever will give it to the cat.

- With the cat on a waiting list for rescue, and free/donated food, the neighbor might be more willing to feed the cat.

- It's spring in the northern hemisphere. See if a rescue group will lend you a trap and subsidize a TNR surgery.



If you have time:

- Make a poster asking if anyone would like to adopt the cat and post it around the neighborhood (or publicize it however you want).

- Tell your Mom and neighbor that you will find a home for the cat
posted by amtho at 9:43 AM on April 24 [1 favorite]

says it is none of my business and I should keep out of it as I don't live there.

Probably, yes. Your mother is much closer to the situation and presuming she is not someone who hates animals probably knows something that you don’t.

An alternative: Saving an individual cat is always a worthy goal, but if this turns out to be too difficult a situation you can prevent thousands of cats from living out similar lives by putting your time and resources to good use supporting a TNR organization.

Cats reproduce explosively, and TNR organizations know where they can have the best effect.

It would be a poor second prize to helping a cat you actually know, but it’s something you could do to at least honor the situation.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:54 AM on April 24 [3 favorites]

says it is none of my business and I should keep out of it

And yet I still vote in school superintendent elections and want to reduce other peoples' plastic use...
posted by amtho at 1:49 PM on April 24

And yet I still vote in school superintendent elections

Neighborhood politics can be even more vicious than those. The OP hasn't mentioned exactly why her mother wants her to butt out, but presumably there is a reason.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 5:44 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

If we all cared only about our own block, the world would be so much worse. The cat needs help, you mum appears to be trapped in silly neighborhood politics, and you're very kind to worry about the cat anyway. It was quite cruel to start feeding her, and then stop without making plans for further help.

I helped rescue some cats when I was on vacation last year. In my case, the decision was easy because the cats were severely undernourished, very young, and ill. They would almost certainly have died without help. But I'm telling you this story because helping them was incredibly easy, really, and this was in a different country (with a different language). Animal rescuers are very determined people, and they're savvy. I called a rescue organization, and they sorted out how to access the property, how to make sure they didn't scare the cats away during the approach, and how to get the cats to a vet. Next thing I knew, I got pictures of a very sleepy mother cat, freshly spayed and fed. Then, I got updates saying that the little ones had been trapped. They were placed in a foster family and got treated for fleas, ear infections, epilepsy, and eye issues. The foster family is now their forever home, and they've learned to trust the people there. The kittens' mother (Juliette) was feral and has been released in her original territory, but the organization arranged for regular feeding and a local person is keeping an eye on her. Even if you give this stray not a home, but just get her treated for parasites, checked for any current health problems, and neutered...that would help immensely. Juliette was only a year old herself, and if she hadn't been spayed, she would have had two more litters by now. She was malnourished and couldn't even provide milk. The kittens born to stray cats suffer, and it would be wonderful to prevent that. Plus, you might reunite a loved and missed pet with a sad family!

My point is: You just need to make a call. Everything else will happen without you doing anything. Gather your courage, help this cat. You will feel so good afterwards.
posted by toucan at 8:51 PM on April 24 [1 favorite]

Literally, my boss caught her cat by putting out food. That was all she needed to do.

I note that I'd found the cat outside in the bushes by the building, told everyone, and five of us tried to catch the cat with a towel and water, but she kept hiding in the bushes. Boss went out and got some cat food later, and voila, five minutes. It's probably not that hard to do.
posted by jenfullmoon at 12:48 PM on April 25 [1 favorite]

Your best bet here is to find an individual / small rescue or TNR operation, not an organization that has their number in the Yellow Pages. The bigger groups are unlikely to be able to help. The smaller groups do TNR and fostering all the time, even though their capabilities are strained too. But this is a case of more need. It won't be their top priority but it'll be pretty high up; this cat is starving and in a hostile/unfit environment, and if it is a domesticated non-feral cat then it is absolutely cruel to let it live outside for many seasons without a regular source of food.

Your mom's neighbor is not behaving ethically here. You have no obligation to do anything here, but if it makes you uneasy to see this cat struggle any further & you're motivated to act, I would not follow the neighbor's lead & leave the cat on its own to fend for itself. TNR is a minimum if the cat is feral, and fostering/adoption is appropriate if it is not.
posted by brianvan at 5:14 AM on April 26

Were I in your situation, I’d do the same thing I did the last time I was in such a situation:

I’d adopt the cat myself, and go from there: I’m very confident that the neighbor would A-Ok & fine with you adopting this cat. After you’ve adopted the cat, you can proceed to do what you think is best - thus making the world a better place for all involved.

But that’s me: I grew up lazy, and enjoy the absence of stress & conflict - I’d much rather enjoy the company of a cat I care about, rather than be worked-up & conflicted about a cat no-one seems to want.

PS. The food-luring tactic jenfullmoon mentions works like a charm, although it might take a few days for a super-skittish cat.
posted by Tuesday After Lunch at 8:02 AM on April 26 [1 favorite]